Happy Bachelor recap!
Hopefully you’re having a better week than our Bachelor, Joey, who earlier mixed up Ruth Bader Ginsberg with Gypsy Rose Blanchard.
I would argue that Joey has the same number of thoughts as Fish, and this is Fish.
There are six women left, and we’re in Jasper National Park in Alberta.
Jenn says she wants to “get naked and cuddle in the woods,” which doesn’t seem like a great idea because you’re either dealing with inclement temperatures or insects.
The first one-on-one goes to Daisy. They go horseback riding–HORSE BUDGET. Joey keeps saying, “This is so beautiful!” in increasingly wacky voices.
At this point (I couldn’t get a picture) my cat, Muzzy, jumped up in front of the TV and was intently stalking the video of the horses walking across the screen. At first I thought it was the horses/motion that she was stalking, but then I realized that Joey, with his lack of thoughts, might actually be more like her natural prey.
Muzzy: My instincts tell me to eat this one.
After the horse ride is the random hot tub in the middle of fucking nowhere, and I always laugh thinking of the poor PAs who have to 1. acquire a hot tub and 2. schlep it into the middle of the wilderness.
I source transportation for a living, and I don’t even know how to approach that. A truck and trailer with off road capability that can hold a standard size hot tub? Do you need straps? Tarps? I think you would. Plus then you need to somehow get the water out there to fill it, and it’s not like there’s a hose nearby. I feel like there’d be one guy who’d fill that niche, his name is probably Gary, and he just follows this franchise around making bank because no one else will do this shit.
Gary is going to fucking retire on reality TV hot tub money, God bless him.
Anyway, after they make out in the hot tub for awhile, Daisy tells the camera she’s not in love with Joey yet. The expectation of this franchise is that by now she’s at least “falling” in love which means you meet the in love requirement with a tiny bit of plausible deniability so when you go home you can tell your family you just had a fever from the communal virus going around and were briefly delusional.
Back at the hotel, Jenn finds out she’s going on the group date and she gets upset by that and cries.
During the dinner they aren’t allowed to eat, Joey asks her how she’s feeling. Daisy says “I really, really like you, but am I [in love] yet? No. I can see us being great together and I can see myself falling in love with you.”
Cue dramatic music.
“This is a very real conversation with Daisy,” Joey tells the camera incredulously, dumbfounded that she’s not following script.
Poor Joey. He’s not smart enough to pivot. You gotta prep him for this stuff.
He still gives her the date rose.
The next group date is with Jenn, Kelsey T, Maria and Rachel. They meet a champion lumber jill who teaches them to throw axes, chop wood and use a saw.
Maria, a city girl, is struggling.
They compete in a log roll, log flip and single buck cut competition. The final challenge is chugging elk milk.
Rachel is lactose intolerant and may have barfed.
I bet milking an elk is…interesting.
Maria fails miserably. Kelsey T is the winner.
During the cocktail hour, Maria says she knows what she signed up for, but she’s “spiraling.” She hasn’t introduced anyone else to her family and Hometowns is next week.
“At first I was like I want him to experience every girl in here so when he winds up with me it means more,” she says. Now she’s having a hard time with his connections to the other women.
“I don’t know if I can do this anymore,” she says.
Joey, who is clearly drunk at this point, says he’s shocked. “Logically by brain can understand,” he says (it can’t), “but my heart says something different.”
He also makes some shitty remark about wanting someone to choose him when he’s got all the power in this dynamic.
He asks her if her mind is made up and she walks away crying.
“Do you know how scary it would be, getting to the end of this and getting down on one knee and her being across from me and not knowing if she’s gonna say yes or no?” he asks the camera.
THAT IS THE ENTIRE POINT OF THIS SHOW YOU DAMP GYM SOCK OF A HUMAN BEING.
Maria comes back and says she’s sticking it out.
All of this shakes Joey’s confidence and he says he can’t give out a group date rose because he needs more time. Or he’s too intoxicated to remember names.
The next day is a one-on-one date with Kelsey A. They tour the town of Jasper and then do a Polar Plunge. Later they warm up in a sauna.
During dinner, Kelsey tells him she’s starting to fall for him. She tells him that if she gets to Hometowns she’ll meet her dad who raised her and her four siblings after her mom died from cancer.
He gives her the date rose.
Then we cut ahead to the Pre Dreaded Rose Ceremony cocktail party. The women are all sitting by a fire and Jesse comes in. He says they’re going straight to rose.
STRAIGHT TO ROSE PEOPLE!
Show Spoiler
Joey asks to talk to Maria privately. He asks if she really wants to be there and she confirms that she does.
It’s a lot of dramatic music for nothing.
Joey sends Kelsey T and Jenn home.
That’s it. Are you watching?
