Elyse Watches The Bachelor–S28 E3: Pool Party Sponsored by KFC


Elyse Watches The Bachelor with Kraken Rum and CokeThis episode jumps right into it, so I’m doing the same thing.

We start off with a group date. The women are brought to a theater where the words Mrs. Right are on light up in the back.

Some of the contestants from The Golden Bachelor are there too: April, Susan, Kathy and Nancy, the ASKN ladies.

They were all friends, but had a falling out after this cameo I guess? I didn’t watch The Golden Bachelor so I don’t know.

They are doing a pageant to find Joey’s “Mrs. Right.”

A group of women stand on stage below a sign that says Mrs. Right. Joey stands across from them.

The first event is modeling their favorite  Sunday loungewear (I love this).

Then there is there is the Q&A. The ASKN ladies ask them mostly sex questions. Have they faked it? How do they keep it spicy?

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The ASKN ladies

During the talent competition Edwina sings a song she wrote for Joey. Chrissa pretends she knows how to play the trumpet (she doesn’t). Sydney does a lackluster cheerleading routine.

Lexi wins.

During the cocktail hour Maria tells him she felt really out of her element on the date and was embarrassed. He makes a comment about him being low-key and her being a ball of energy.

Last week there was some drama with Madina worrying about her age, Maria saying it shouldn’t be a big deal, which made Madina feel invalidated (I guess) and Sydney got mad on Madina’s behalf.

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A man counts on his fingers while numbers float in front of him

Who has this level of energy? Is everyone just super hangry all the time? Seriously, I know a lot of the drama is enhanced by the way the show is edited and by the producers, but I literally cannot imagine having the stamina to maintain a grudge like that. At this point in the night I’d want to take off my shoes and lay under a fuzzy blanket, not keep drawing this out forever.

Also. Also, no one involved in these shenanigans ever makes it to the end and the women know this, supporting my theory that they are not there for Joey.

So Madina says something to Joey about bullying and he brings it up to the group and says he hopes everyone is getting along or some shit.

“To even hear the word “bully” scares me,” Joey says.

It’s okay, Joey. I’ll protect you.

Then he gives the rose to Kelsey who I forgot was there. Then he leaves.

Madina and Sydney both argue with Maria about whether or not she’s a bully. “You’re talking shit all the time,” Sydney says. She also calls her catty. She can’t give Maria examples of her bad behavior.

Maria calls her a trouble maker and tells her to leave things alone.

Sydney stalks off.

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A little white dog sits in front of a sign that says Bored

The next morning several women in the house say that Sydney is creating drama and Maria is not a bully.

Just as an aside, Sydney looks like Hailey Bieber to me.

Anyway, the one-on-one date goes to Jenn, and they go surfing. “This could be a glimpse into our future,” says Joey, “with a bunch of kids, in a bus, with some surf boards on top.”

Their future is apparently a sitcom from the late 1960’s. Anyway.

We also get the ubiquitous kissing on the beach in the surf shot. In reality all that leads to is sand in your drawers.

During dinner Jenn does the obligatory trauma dump and says she grew up feeling unloved and unwanted by her dad (who she is estranged from now). Her parents were so involved in the toxicity of their marriage that she felt alone most of the time.

I really hate this part of the show because women shouldn’t have to reveal their trauma to be “worthy” of the Bachelor’s love. Is this to humanize them? To make the saddest story somehow the most deserving of the final prize?

I would absolutely make shit up. “So that’s how my entire family was murdered by clowns.” And then I’d take a looooooong drink of wine while starting him right in the eye.

Also, Joey acts like a muppet. He just fucking does. He’s kinda floppy and I get the distinct impression someone else is making his mouth move.

 

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Muppet

The next group date is a tennis date where the women compete while wearing silly doubles costumes. The lobster/ butter combo (Evalin and Kelsey) win.

Evalin and Kelsey hold up a trophy while dressed like a lobster and a stick of butter

During the cocktail hour Rachel’s earring gets caught in Joey’s sweater and they need to get someone from the production team to help unhook her.

Katelyn gets the date rose.

Back the house they’re trying to get footage of the Sydney/Maria drama but instead catch a hot mike of someone saying, “I don’t want anyone to go,” confirming my theory that they put up with Joey for the fun of a girls trip.

Instead of a cocktail party before the Dreaded Rose Ceremony, they’re having a pool party sponsored by KFC. We get to see a big buffet table of fried chicken.

Sydney, who has not been approached or spoken to by Maria, says she can’t let her behavior stand and asks, “What more do you want from me?”

She’s literally nowhere near you.

Sydney and Joey talk

Sydney pulls Joey aside and tells him that Maria has been verbally attacking her (she hasn’t) and called her “embarrassing, weird and dumb” (she didn’t).

So then Joey pulls Maria aside. Maria denies the accusations. She gets teary and says, “I didn’t expect my journey to be hard because of girls. This stemmed from nothing.”

Then she tells Joey if he likes Sydney he can’t possibly like her because they’re opposites.

Joey says he’s “Distraught.”

“I don’t know why people are wasting their time with drama. Nobody’s getting bullied,” Edwina tells the camera.

During The Dreaded Rose Ceremony, Joey sends Chrissa, Starr and Evalin home.  Maria and Sydney stay so we’ll have more pointless drama next week.

That’s it. Are you watching?



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