Elyse Watches The Bachelor–S28 E11: I Love Him and It Hurts

Elyse Watches The Bachelor with Kraken Rum and CokeOkay, so when we left off Joey was having a panic attack because Kelsey left a note attached to his door saying they needed to talk.

Well, those sneaky bastards at ABC wedged a rose ceremony into The Women Tell All episode, which I don’t usually recap because it’s basically a clip show.

All you need to know is the note was drama blown out of proportion and Kelsey reassured Joey.

He wound up sending Rachel home, so the finale is Daisy and Kelsey.

Tonight we open “live” in a studio in LA where Jesse will inevitably tell us this will be “the most dramatic” season finale ever.

Everyone take a shot.

We get a shot of Joey coming out of the ocean, reflecting about how this is the “most exciting” week of his life.

Joey’s family is there and his sister, Ellie, couldn’t look less enthused. I like her.

His mom, Cathy, is shocked that they started with 32 women.

“Thirty two!” she exclaims.

Have you not seen this show, Cathy?

Also Joey calls Kelsey “so stinkin cute.”

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Paris Hilton makes a grossed out face

Daisy is the first to meet Joey’s family. She tells them about her cochlear implant because the producers have made this the only thing that matters about her.

Does Daisy have hobbies? Cochlear implant. Does Daisy have goals? Cochlear implant. Did Daisy commit that murder in Louisiana? Cochlear implant.

They’ve reduced her to being hearing impaired and that’s it and I hate it.

Daisy sits next to Joey

At this point Carol

  1. definitely has not seen the show
  2. and is shitfaced on mimosas.

“What makes you unique?” she asks Daisy. “What makes Daisy Daisy?”

Daisy says it’s her resilience.

Daisy also says she was a little resistant to coming on the show and Carol asks, “Why do you think that is?”

Because there has been one successful marriage in the entire Bachelor history, Carol. Big Brother has produced more successful marriages.

“I want what’s best for you honey,” Carol says drunkenly. “If it’s Joey…very special…it’s been a pleasure.”

Daisy says that she feels like Joey’s mom understands her and it’s like, maybe, but she definitely won’t remember anything you guys talked about.

Then they bring Kelsey in, like 10 minutes after Daisy left. Usually they at least pretend it’s the next day. At least they didn’t make Daisy get in the car that Kelsey was getting out of.

Joey’s sisters like Kelsey’s energy.

Carol tells Kelsey that the way she looks at Joey is special.

Then we get promos for a new Vanderpump show and a Golden Bachelor podcast.

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a duckling falls asleep

For their last date, Daisy and Joey do a cleansing ceremony. This involves smudging and going into a sauna, not, like, a bunch of juices.

Daisy says she wants to tell Joey, “That I love him and it hurts.”

Okay well he’s sitting right next to you, but also isn’t that a new song on the forthcoming T Swift album?

Joey tells her that he wants what’s best for her, “even if that’s not me and you,” and Daisy doesn’t love that.

That evening she tells Joey she loves him but leaves off the “it hurts” part. For his part, Joey talks about how hard this decision will be and how much it kills him that he’ll have to hurt someone, which doesn’t exactly validate her.

After he leaves Daisy says, “If I’m being 100% honest, I don’t think it’s me.”

Kelsey and Joey’s final date is a spa day. At one point Joey gives her what looks like a totally shit massage.

Later that night Kelsey tells him she’s ready to be engaged.

After a season off, Neil Lane shows up to help Joey pick out an engagement ring.

Joey mulls over a ring

Joey is worried that the person he proposes to will say no.

Then they make Kelsey walk down a staircase Very Slowly while Joey mulls over rings.

There are like 8 straight minutes of dramatic string music while Kelsey, Joey and Daisy look meaningfully at things.

Daisy is convinced it isn’t her and is trying to keep it together. She goes and knocks on Kelsey’s door and they both burst into tears immediately and hug.

These two women show more genuine warmth for each other than they do for Joey.

Daisy tells Kelsey that her interactions with Joey felt off and she didn’t get validation. She says she’s not willing to walk away yet, though.

So there’s this whole set up on the beach where Joey is going to propose and we see him pacing around it. Then we cut to Kelsey and Daisy arriving to said site in the SAME CAR and the audience howls like this is the most insane thing ever. TWO WOMEN IN THE SAME CAR! WHAT COULD THIS MEAN?

Daisy walks up to Joey first. He starts his whole monologue where he talks about how special she is. Daisy tells him she loves him, “but the thing is, you’re not going to choose me.”

Daisy storms away from Joey
This looks so much like an old skool category romance cover.

She says he’s not her person, and she knows he knows that. Then she dramatically walks away looking fine as hell.

Joey is emotional but pulls himself together as Kelsey approaches. He proposes and she says yes.

Joey proposes to Kelsey

Back in the LA studio, Joey comes on stage. He says he hasn’t spoken to Daisy since Tulum, so of course they bring her out. She says she’s really happy for him and Kelsey, and that the outcome was the best thing for all of them.

Also, Joey looks like he dyed his hair darker and it has like purple low lights? It’s not bad, but it looks like something you’d see on the hero of a romance-fantasy cover.

Then Daisy leaves and Kelsey comes out. They say they’re happy they no longer have to hide the fact that they’re a couple. Kelsey also says that she was okay waiting till the finale to hear that Joey loved her because his words before that were “intentful.”

Then Joey leaves and Daisy comes back. Basically there is no bad blood between Kelsey and Daisy and they’re friends and it’s the best relationship of the season.

Finally, we find out Jen will be the next Bachelorette (reportedly because Daisy turned it down).

That’s it. What did you think of these season?

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